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Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Monday, August 25, 2014
Health
13 Insanely Simple Ways to Be More Likable
Everything from how you stand to what you say influences how people see you
It can take as little as 100 milliseconds for people to make up their minds about you, research has shown. That’s literally less than the blink of an eye. With that little time, everything from what you wear to what you do with your hands has an impact.
Being likable is mainly about being accessible, says Marc Salem, Ph.D., a nonverbal communications consultant. "You want to break down barriers between you and other people," he says. If you want to make the most of those first 100 milliseconds and the ones that follow—whether it’s for a first date or a job interview—nail these 13 simple steps.
1. Take care of your nails
You probably already know that you should brush your teeth and trim your beard. But nails are an often overlooked and surprisingly important part of grooming, Salem says. "It shows a basic tendency to care," he says. There's laziness to an unkempt appearance. "But when you're well groomed, you're more pleasant to be around," he says. "You sparkle and you feel better."
2. Use just enough cologne
People will like you more if you smell nice—but not too nice. A study from Northwestern University found that people rated faces as more likable if they were accompanied by a pleasant aroma, but only if they were unaware of the smell. So when putting on cologne, steer clear of using too much—two spritzes should do the trick. Subtlety is key because you want the person to like you, not your musk, says Alec Beall, a researcher who studies attraction.
3. Ditch the shades
You want to look approachable, not shady, Salem says. Covering your face creates a barrier between you and the other person and makes you seem standoffish. So save the sunglasses for when you really need them, like at the game or at the beach, and take them off when you meet new people.
4. Let Baxter tag along
Next time you head to a barbecue, ask the host if you can bring your dog. Research has shown that the furry friend can make you more likable just by being near you. People appear happier, safer, and more relaxed when they’re with man’s best friend, the study says. Plus, it's a great way to break the ice with new people. Unless of course your dog is a menace—better to leave him at home than risk pissing off (or on) the hostess.
5. Kick your feet up
Lean back in your chair, kick your feet up onto your desk, and interlace your fingers behind your head, with your elbows wide. Feels pretty good, right? A study from Columbia and Harvard universities shows that this pose will infuse you with energy and confidence. It actually changes your body chemistry: After two minutes in that position, levels of testosterone rise and levels of cortisol fall. The researchers call this "power posing" and recommend taking the pose in preparation for high-pressure social situations. In a subsequent study, people who power-posed before a mock job interview were more likely to get the job.
Just don't do this while you're with another person, Salem warns. The pose exerts dominance. If your goal is likability, you want to be accessible.
6. Don't cross your arms
You might be chilly, but to the other person, you look rude, Salem says. If your hands are open—for example, at your sides with your palms facing the other person—it communicates that you're accepting. While you're at it, pivot to face the person head-on. This shows that you're completely vulnerable, Salem says.
7. Nod at strangers on the street
Make eye contact with your fellow humans. Being acknowledged with a glance or a smile by passersby makes people feel connected, a study from Purdue University found. (On the flip side, looking through them—gazing at their eye level but not meeting their eyes—makes them feel ostracized.) In a world where most people are busy pretending there's something interesting on their phones, you'll stand out with just a nod.
8. Flash those pearly whites
It may seem like a no-brainer that smiling makes you look friendlier, but tell that to someone from Poland, where smiling at strangers is a sign of stupidity. And if you smile at people in Norway, they assume you're drunk, crazy, or American. (Or all of the above.) The Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology found that in general, smiling people are seen as smarter. Your grin is especially safe in the U.S., Germany, and China.
An important caveat is that your smile must be genuine. "People can pick up a fake smile a mile away," Salem says. "It comes quickly and vanishes quickly, and there's a thinness at the lips." So if you're not feeling it, don't fake it.
9. Respect the bubble
Leave a healthy space between you and your acquaintance—get too close, and you may be perceived as a threat. A study from the University of Toledo found that invading personal space causes people to sense that there may be impending violence. In the U.S., most people's bubbles extend 10 to 20 inches from their body, Salem says. An easy rule of thumb: the closest you should get to someone is about the length from your elbow to your fingertips.
10. Be a chameleon
People like you more when you mimic their postures, movements, and mannerisms, research has shown. For example, take note if your boss tilts his head to one side, leans forward, or smiles, and do that. Make sure it's not obvious, Salem says, or you might creep them out. "But if you do it subtly," he says, "they feel like you are entering their world."
11. Know when to shut up
Don’t be a one-upper responding to your buddy's every statement with your own story. Scientists have a name for that—reciprocal self-disclosure—and it's annoying. Research has shown that people who make empathetic statements are liked more than people who respond with their own stories. "The key is to ask thoughtful questions and resist the urge to jump in with our own comments and observations," says Chris Malone, coauthor of The HUMAN Brand: How We Relate to People, Products & Companies. "Just listen, process, and then ask another thoughtful question."
12. Don't be a Debbie Downer
Negative thoughts about how others perceive you can be self-fulfilling, according to a study from the Netherlands. The researchers say that thinking people don't like you can actually change your behavior and make you act unlikable. For example, you might avoid eye contact, stop listening, and gaze off into the distance—and who wants to hang out with a bump on a log?
13. Be you, bro
Good news: You're perceived to be trustworthy just because you're a guy, according to a new study from the University of Alabama. The researchers had people rate witnesses as they testified in court on a scale of 1 to 10 on likability, trustworthiness, confidence, and knowledge. The male witnesses received an average trustworthy score of 7.43, while the women’s was 6.70. (Men’s likability rating was higher, too, but not enough to be significant.) The researchers say it may have to do with men historically having more power and status than women. Just don't use this fact in an argument with your girlfriend.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
10 Ways to Lose Friends and Irritate People
Relationships
10 Ways to Lose Friends and Irritate People
By Jeff Haden | Inc
Lose Friends
Want to win friends and influence people? Here are 10 things that ensure you won't:
1. You thoughtlessly waste other peoples' time. Every time you're late to an appointment or meeting says your time is more important. Every time you wait until the grocery clerk finishes ringing you up to search for your debit card says you couldn't care less if others have to wait unnecessarily. Every time you take three minutes to fill your oversize water bottle while a line stacks up behind you says you're in your own little world--and your world is the only world that matters.
Small, irritating things, but basically no big deal? Wrong. People who don't notice the small ways they inconvenience others tend to be oblivious when they do it in a major way.
How you treat people when it doesn't really matter--especially when you're a leader--says everything about you. Act like the people around you have more urgent needs than yours and you will never go wrong--and you will definitely be liked.
2. You ignore people outside your "level." There's an older guy at the gym that easily weighs 350 pounds and understandably struggles on the aerobic and weight equipment. Hats off; he's in there trying.
Yet nobody talks to him. Or even seems to notice him. It's like he's invisible. Why? He doesn't fit in.
We all do it. When we visit a company, we talk to the people we're supposed to talk to. When we attend a civic event, we talk to the people we're supposed to talk to. We breeze right by the technicians and talk to the guy who booked us to speak, even though the techs are the ones who make us look and sound good onstage.
Here's an easy rule of thumb: Nod whenever you make eye contact. Or smile. Or (gasp!) even say hi. Just act like people exist.
We'll automatically like you for it--and remember you as someone who engages even when there's nothing in it for you.
3. You ask for too much. A guy you don't know asks you for a favor; a big, time-consuming favor. You politely decline. He asks again. You decline again. Then he whips out the Need Card. "But it's really important to me. You have to. I really need [it]."
Maybe you do, in fact, really need [it]. But your needs are your problem. The world doesn't owe you anything. You aren't entitled to advice or mentoring or success. The only thing you're entitled to is what you earn.
People tend to help people who first help themselves. People tend to help people who first help them. And people definitely befriend people who look out for other people first, because we all want more of those people in our lives.
4. You ignore people in genuine need. At the same time, some people aren't in a position to help themselves. They need a hand: a few dollars, some decent food, a warm coat.
Though I don't necessarily believe in karma, I do believe good things always come back to you, in the form of feeling good about yourself.
And that's reason enough to help people who find themselves on the downside of advantage.
5. You ask a question so you can talk. A guy at lunch asks, "Hey, do you think social-media marketing is effective?"
"Well," you answer, "I think under the right circumstances..."
"Wrong," he interrupts. "I've never seen an ROI. I've never seen a bump in direct sales. Plus 'awareness' is not a measurable or even an important goal..." and he drones on while you desperately try to escape.
Don't shoehorn in your opinions under false pretenses. Only ask a question if you genuinely want to know the answer. And when you do speak again, ask a follow-up question that helps you better understand the other person's point of view.
People like people who are genuinely interested in them--not in themselves.
6. You pull a "Do you know who I am?" OK, so maybe they don't take it to the Reese Witherspoon level, but many people whip out some form of the "I'm Too Important forThis" card.
Maybe the line is too long. Or the service isn't sufficiently "personal." Or they aren't shown their "deserved" level of respect.
Say you really are somebody. People always like you better when you don't act like you know you're
somebody--or that you think it entitles you to different treatment.
7. You don't dial it back. An unusual personality is a lot of fun--until it isn't. Yet when the going gets tough or a situation gets stressful, some people just can't stop "expressing their individuality."
Look. We know you're funny. We know you're quirky. We know you march to the beat of your own drum. Still, there's a time to play and a time to be serious, a time to be irreverent and a time to conform, a time to challenge and a time to back off.
Knowing when the situation requires you to stop justifying your words or actions with an unspoken "Hey, that's just me being me" can often be the difference between being likeable and being an ass.
8. You mistake self-deprecation for permission. You know how it's OK when you make fun of certain things about yourself, but not for other people to make fun of you for those same things? Like receding hairlines. Weight. A struggling business or career. Your spouse and kids.
It's OK when you poke a little gentle fun at yourself, but the last thing you want to hear are bald or money or "Do you want fries with that?" jokes. (Bottom line: I can say I'm fat. Youcan't.)
Sometimes self-deprecation is genuine, but it's often a mask for insecurity. Never assume people who make fun of themselves give you permission to poke the same fun at them.
Only tease when you know it will be taken in the right spirit. Otherwise, if you feel the need to be funny, make fun of yourself.
9. You humblebrag. Humblebragging is a form of bragging that tries to cover the brag with a veneer of humility so you can brag without appearing to brag. (Key word is "appearing," because it's still easy to tell humblebraggers are quite tickled with themselves.)
For example, here's a tweeted humblebrag from actor Stephen Fry: "Oh dear. Don't know what to do at the airport. Huge crowd, but I'll miss my plane if I stop and do photos... oh dear don't want to disappoint."
Your employees don't want to hear how stressed you are about your upcoming TED Talk. They don't want to hear how hard it is to maintain two homes. Before you brag--humbly or not, business or personal--think about your audience. A gal who is a size 14 doesn't want to hear you complain that normally you're a size 2, but you're a size 4 in Prada because its sizes run small.
Or better yet, don't brag. Just be proud of what you've accomplished. Let others brag for you.
If you've done cool things, don't worry--they will.
10. You push your opinions. You know things. Cool things. Great things.
Awesome. But only share them in the right settings. If you're a mentor, share away. If you're a coach or a leader, share away. If you're the guy who just started a paleo diet, don't tell us all what to order.
Unless we ask. What's right for you may not be right for others; shoot, it might not even turn out to be right for you.
Like most things in life, offering helpful advice is all about picking your spots--just like winning friends and influencing people.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
No garbage trucks
Today's Business Lessons
No garbage trucks
(The Philippine Star) | Updated February 15, 2014
David Pollay is author of the book The Law of the Garbage Truck: How to Stop People from Dumping on You. In it Pollay narrates his life-changing experience.
He asks, “How often do you let other people’s nonsense change your
mood? Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive
employee ruin your day? Unless you’re the Terminator, you’re probably
set back on your heels. However, the mark of your success is how quickly
you can refocus on what’s important in your life.”
At the back of a New York City taxicab, David Pollay learned what he would later dub as “The Law of the Garbage Truck®.”
They were driving on the way to the Grand Central Station when a
black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of them. His taxi
driver slammed on the brakes and missed the other car’s rear-end by
just an inch!
“I couldn’t believe it,” he recounts. “But then I couldn’t believe
what happened next. The driver of the other car, the guy who almost
caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling
bad words at us. How do I know? Ask any New Yorker, some words in New
York come with a special face. And he even threw in a one finger salute!
I couldn’t believe it!
“But then here’s what really blew me away. My taxi driver just smiled
and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was friendly. So, I said, ‘Why did
you just do that!? This guy could have killed us!’ And this is when my
taxi driver told me what I now call, ‘The Law of the Garbage Truck®.’
He said:“‘Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of
garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.
As their garbage piles up, they look for a place to dump it. And if you
let them, they’ll dump it on you. So when someone wants to dump on you,
don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move
on. Believe me. You’ll be happier.’
“So I started thinking, how often do I let garbage trucks run right
over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other
people at work, at home, or on the street? It was then that I said, ‘I
don’t want their garbage and I’m not going to spread it anymore.’”
David Pollay learned a valuable lesson that day. He processed the
negative experience and turned it into a golden opportunity to become
better. Now he shares his story to audiences everywhere through his
talks and his book.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let “Garbage Trucks”
take over their day. What about you? What would happen in your life if,
starting today, you let more “Garbage Trucks” pass you by? I believe
that you’ll be happier. I guarantee it.
There will be people dumping their garbage on us. But now I realize
that these people are probably hurting. This is why they have a tendency
to hurt others.
Do not allow these garbage trucks to determine how your day will
become. Embrace truth, be gentle, and know that in all things God is
still in control and trusting Him makes sense.
The Psalmist says, “In God I trust and am not afraid. What can man do
to me?” Now that’s the best garbage truck buster you can ever have.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
5 easy ways to make your relationship stronger
5 easy ways to make your relationship stronger
RealBuzz – Fri, Jun 2012
Make your relationship better by addressing old issues
Fights, jealousy and previous misdemeanours upset our little bubble of romance and can make relationships a tricky minefield. If you find yourself constantly arguing over the same issues, or blowing up in anger over the smallest of triggers, it may be because you and your partner have not addressed some old issues. Next time this happens, try to stay calm and work out why you have reacted in this way. If you recognise that you are angry about something that has happened in the past it is time to be brave and sit down with your partner to discuss it. Try not to accuse them. Instead talk through the problem, being as clear as possible about the way you feel. Try to look them in the eyes, as this helps build trust and intimacy. Once you’ve talked through your feelings attempt to work out a solution together. Although it may take a long time to heal this unresolved issue, if you feel you cannot forgive the person, it may be time to walk away. These issues will only continue to repeat themselves.
[Related article: Five qualities men look for in a woman]
[Related article: Five qualities men look for in a woman]
Make your relationship better by taking time out
Between going to work, keeping fit and doing chores, it can be difficult to find the time to spend some decent time with your partner. In the UK alone, a typical childless couple only spends an average of two and a half hours a day with their partner, and of that time nearly an entire hour is spent watching TV. If that sounds familiar it’s time to make some changes. Firstly, have a TV ban and take your partner on some dates. If you’re struggling for ideas, pretend that you are going on your first few dates. Where would you take a guy or girl to impress them; a romantic hillside spot for a picnic or a trendy bar to see a new band? Choose locations that allow you both to talk to one another and ideally that are new to you both. Sharing new experiences will help reinvigorate your love life and will bring you both closer together. Remember, these dates are all about fun, so enjoy it.
Make your relationship better by changing gender
The opposite sex can seem like a different species. Men and women have different habits, ideals and needs. Therefore it’s no surprise that we often find it difficult to get along with each other. The key to a good relationship is to understand that we are not alike. We will not always share the same attitudes or perspectives. So, the next time your guy tells you that you are overreacting, or your girl tells you that you don’t care, listen to them. Instead of exploding with rage at their idiocy, ask them why they think that and actually take what they say on board. You then need to explain, clearly and calmly, why you think otherwise. This is not to say that you should use their gender as an excuse when they treat you badly. However, trying to get into one another’s mindset and understanding why your partner acts in a certain way may help you overcome many nasty obstacles and end a lot of fights.
Make your relationship better by getting more sex
Sex can be a chore. After a long day at work do we really want someone getting hot and sweaty on us? We could have another 20 minutes in bed! Yet, the more we do it the more we want it. So at times, although it sounds very unromantic, it can be best to just power through and do it a few times a week. Once you’ve combated your reluctance, you’ll reap all of the benefits. Not only are there zillions of health perks to having regular sex, your relationship will also benefit. This is because when we have sex the love drug, oxytocin, is released, which makes us build up a strong bond with the guy or girl we’re in bed with. It also promotes trust and makes us feel more generous towards one another. The best way to get more sex is to make sure you and your partner consider it to be a priority. Also try to find a time that suits you. If you get too tired to have sex before bed, try to do it in the morning or when you first get home.
Make your relationship better by spending time apart
Okay, we know that we are at risk of contradicting ourselves, but relationships are all about balance. So although you need to make sure you spend quality time together, it’s also not healthy to live in a two person love nest constantly. Not only will your partner’s every move start to irritate you beyond belief, but boredom may begin to creep into your relationship. Having your own interests, social scene and hobbies will help keep you stimulated, balanced and healthy, and these qualities will inevitably also pass on into your relationship too. The trick to spending time apart is to agree with your partner how much “time off” you want to give each other. Once agreed, find something that excites you. This may be a holiday with friends, a charity challenge or training for a new event, like a 10k or marathon. Choose something that helps you develop as an individual as this will help you feel more independent and more interesting within yourself and your relationship.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Be a Better Father
Relationships
Be a Better Father
Tips to Be a Better Dad in 2012
30 tips to help you raise great kids, and have a blast doing it
Posted Date: December 15, 2011
Day 1
Go Rock Climbing
Sometimes the simplest idea is the best one, and an undemanding day climb remains one of the easiest and most convenient ways to spend an afternoon with your kids. For very young children—or until the weather improves—consider starting out on a climbing wall at a local gym or outdoor retailer. Most offer introductory lessons, along with harness and climbing shoe rentals.
Online retailers like Three Ball Climbing (threeballclimbing.com) and To The Top (tothetopwalls.com) offer smaller, less-intimidating walls that you can install at home to practice and help build confidence.
“Kids are natural climbers,” says Margaret Wheeler, President of the American Mountain Guides Association. “That’s what they do before you ever tie them into a rope. Kids get scared going up high, though, so keep it fun and lighthearted and they’ll usually ask to go up again.”
On the first attempt, let your kid climb just above the ground, then ask them to lean back and test the rope. “That way,” Wheeler says, “they’ll know the rope can hold them if they lose their grip.” You can also start on smaller cliffs—they’ll have an easier time reaching the top, and will be more inclined to graduate to a bigger challenge.
When buying gear, look for a top-quality brand like Camp (camp-usa.com) or Petzl (petzl.com). Both sell kids’ climbing helmets, rock shoes, and children’s harnesses. Look for well-trained mentors. “A single-pitch instructor is the one that’s nationally recognized,” Wheeler says. “People who’ve gone through that will know exactly how to help out a kid who’s stuck or scared.”
Day 2
Go Instrument Shopping
Schools with a strong musical program may give students an academic edge, Long Island University researchers say. They found that second-graders taking twice-weekly piano lessons at school performed significantly better on vocabulary tasks than those who didn’t play a note. “The piano students improved their listening skills with music, and that may have helped them hear and store vocabulary words more efficiently for future use,” says study author Joseph Piro, Ph.D. While private lessons should do the trick, Piro believes that children may be more eager to learn an instrument if the instruction occurs in a group setting, such as in a class or at school.
Day 3
Make a Healthy Grilled Cheese
"All children love grilled cheese sandwiches, and my kids especially love this version," says Wolfgang Puck, owner of more than 100 restaurants worldwide. "And so do I."
This recipe's a favorite with all four of Puck’s sons, who range in age from 2 to 19. What you'll need:
1 Tbsp Dijon mustard
1 Tbsp mayonnaise
4 slices sourdough or whole-wheat bread, cut 1/3-inch thick
6 thin slices Fontina cheese (or Swiss or mozzarella)
4 fresh basil leaves
2 slices prosciutto
1 large organic Roma tomato, cut into 8 slices
How to make it:
1. Preheat panini maker, double-sided indoor grill, or cast-iron skillet set to medium heat.
2. Mix together mustard and mayonnaise. Brush one side of each slice of bread with mixture. On plain side, stack 2 slices cheese, 2 basil leaves, 1 slice prosciutto, and tomato slices. Sprinkle tomato with freshly ground black pepper. Layer on remaining cheese and top with remaining bread slice, mayo side facing outward.
3. Cook sandwiches side by side in panini maker or indoor grill, about 3 to 4 minutes, or until cheese has melted and bread is brown and crispy. If you're using a skillet, place a heavy pan on top of sandwich to weigh it down. Cut sandwiches diagonally. Serves 2.
Want to be a better parent? Sign up for the MH Dad newsletter, for weekly tips, news, and a touch of wisdom.
Day 4
Go Snowboarding
By now your average teen is probably more interested mimicking the aerial theatrics of Sean White than actually mastering the basics. Help them play catchup by enrolling in a beginners’ snowboarding class. Many ski lodges (such as those owned by Vail Resorts) now offer them. While you can rent the snowboards and pads, you’ll also want to pack a thick pair of thermal underwear, a heavy fleece and jacket, and multiple pairs of socks. Look for brands like Burton , Under Armour , and DC . Shops like dogfunk and The House sell everything you need. Don’t neglect goggles, either—few things will halt your progress faster than a face full of powder. A good pair of Oakleys will run you about $90.
When you’re ready to get onboard, check ahead to get a read on the recent snowfall. Most snowboarders consider powder—a light, untouched layer of freshly fallen snow—to be the ultimate surface, but crud (when the powder gets packed) and crust (when the top layer hardens) are acceptable, and sometimes even preferred, when starting out. First-timers should stick with slopes marked by green circles (elementary) and blue squares (intermediate). Those black diamonds may look enticing, but keep away until you’ve at least comfortably navigated an intermediate challenge.
Day 5
Start Reading Food Labels—With Your Kids
"Contrary to popular belief, kids can learn to make wise food choices," says David Katz, M.D., M.P.H., an associate professor of public health at Yale University and a father of five. "Make it easier by having a wide variety of foods available, but only the healthiest options in each category."
Example: They can pick whatever drink they want, as long as it doesn't contain high-fructose corn syrup or exceed 100 calories per serving. Another trick: Steal a page from Eat This, Not That! For Kids and use visual comparisons to demonstrate how much sugar or salt is in their favorite foods. If you show them the three teaspoons of sugar in each bowl of Froot Loops, they'll think twice.
Day 6
Fight Cynicism
As kids struggle to form identities in our sometimes violent, often materialistic, always tech-obsessed world, they can become more self-centered and less sympathetic. "You'll never turn your son or daughter back into the wide-eyed child they were just a few years ago," says C. Andrew Ramsey, M. D., an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University. "But you can chip away at their cynicism by calling them to action." Hal Edward Runkel, family therapist and author of ScreamFree Parenting, brought his young son to traffic court with him so the boy could see accountability in action. Likewise, Ramsey says, the simple act of volunteering for a day can pay dividends. Kids will see they can make a difference, and they'll be inspired by other people out there doing it every day.
Day 7
Focus Your Kid’s Energy
Maybe you don't want a hat-trick-scoring, scholarship-winning, oboe-playing phenom of a child, but our competitive society makes them think otherwise. This explains why so many kids have trouble focusing, says Ramsey. Make sure your kids understand your expectations. Explain that developing skills is about mastery. "Whether your child's role model is Tom Brady or Beyoncé, let them know they ascended to lofty heights because they mastered one skill," Ramsey says. "Learn to go through one door and many others will open for you; try to go through five doors at once and you'll go nowhere."
Day 8
Keep Them in the Game
If you want your kids to stick with things, let them quit, Runkel says. "Just make sure they taste the full pain of quitting." When Runkel's son was 8, he wanted to quit baseball. Runkel told him, "Sure, but you have to tell your teammates and coach." The boy couldn't do it. He's played seven seasons now. This works with schoolwork, too: "If your kid wants to give up because a project is too hard, say, 'OK. Tell your teacher you quit and you'll take whatever grade is appropriate.' Trust me, they'll stick it out."
Day 9
Stay Out of It
Unless one of your kids is dangling the other out the window, don't say a word. You're not listening to only one side, and you're not acting as moderator. "As soon as you become involved, they're no longer interested in finding a solution; they're interested in getting you on their side," says Anthony Wolf, a child psychologist and author of Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me! The Solution to Sibling Bickering. If they keep pestering you, tell them that if you step in it'll be a problem for both of them. Stick with your rigid neutrality, and they'll learn that pleading their case is fruitless. More important, they'll learn to compromise quickly.
Day 10
Prepare For Emergencies
You've already taught them what 911 is, where the fire extinguishers are, and the fire escape plan, right? That's the easy stuff. The tricky part is teaching them calm, Runkel says. "In a crowd, tell them to look for people they can trust—the calm and present authority figures. Follow their commands. Avoid panic and people who are panicking."
The best time to talk about emergencies, Runkel says, is during dinner. "Asking kids around the dinner table in a mature tone makes them feel more grown-up. And you want a grown-up level of responsiveness from them during an emergency."
Day 11
Expand Your Kid’s Vocabulary
Researchers advise using a diverse vocabulary with kids, but that doesn't mean you should start reciting Herodotus. Instead, provide creative and dramatic play-by-play for both your activities and surroundings. Don't be shy about using unfamiliar words—children understand a lot of grown-up language just from context. This is a great job for Dad: In families with two working parents, fathers had greater impact than mothers on their children's language development between ages 2 and 3, according to a study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology.
Day 12
Embrace Routine
Start your kids on these two now; they're proven long-term stress busters, says Steven Atkins, Psy.D., clinical associate for Dartmouth Medical School's child and adolescent psychology division. "Research has shown that the capacity to manage your materials is directly correlated to how successful you'll be as you get older. Plus, not having routine is extremely disconcerting. Under stress, we all regress to less-sophisticated behavior." (Read: We become cranky.)
First, cultivate their organizational skills by giving them something to take back and forth to preschool. "Have your kids get in the habit of putting, say, a folder in the same spot before they go to bed," Atkins says. Ask them, "Doesn't it make you happy not to have to search for your folder every morning? Isn't it nice not to be angry that you can't find it?" They'll soon find a regular spot for the toys they always misplace as well.
Second, throw cleanup parties. "Say, 'Let's see who can pick up the most toys and put them in their correct bins,'" Atkins says. "Kids understand the concept that even toys need to go to bed, and competition is always a good thing." And when they win? Act like it's the Super Bowl.
Day 13
Help Them Accept Criticism
Kids face criticism from many sources: peers, teachers, coaches, and you. "Let them feel it," Runkel says. "Don't say, 'Oh, don't worry about it.' The lesson here is criticism has only as much power as we give it." Acknowledge that criticism hurts and ask your kids: Is it accurate? If so, what can you learn from it? "Also, give them time to process it," Runkel says. "If you say, 'When you act this way, you're not very likable,' it may not register right away. But they'll be thinking about it."
Day 14
Take a Volunteer Vacation
When your kids outgrow Disney World, think about signing the family up for a much different kind of vacation—one that promotes personal responsibility, environmental awareness, and hard work. The American Hiking Society needs volunteers year-round to help clean up state parks and maintain thousands of miles of trail systems in some of the most scenic and well-trod parts of the country.
In North Dakota, for example, volunteers work on the North Country National Scenic Trail in Sheyenne National Grasslands. In the Virgin Islands National Park, the American Hiking Society maintains a long stretch of 300-year-old colonial trails. Families often work within footsteps of pristine white sand beaches and rest at a campground in Cinnamon Bay. Not a bad reward for a day’s work.
Before you commit to a vacation, check to make sure that it’s an easy-to-moderate work grade and is open to kids 13 and up (some are strictly 18 and over). For most trips, the American Hiking Society covers only transportation to and from the airport, as well as campground fees and the occasional meal.
Day 15
Go Geocaching
Combine your kids’ love for treasure hunting and high-tech gear by enlisting them in a geocaching adventure. For the uninitiated, geocaching involves using GPS tracking devices to locate hidden containers in the outdoors. While the rewards are slim—most capsules contain only a logbook—the fun is in the pursuit, and gives parents an opportunity to teach basic navigation and orienteering skills.
At last tally, more than 1.2 million caches were buried worldwide. Find one near you by checking online at geocaching.com—the official cache hunt site. Enter your location and the site will give you several sets of coordinates to pick from. Punch one into your GPS and follow the route guidance until you reach the cache.
The capsules are often cleverly hidden and can be difficult to find. For that reason, experts recommend starting with the lowest grade of difficulty. “Even the easiest caches can be a challenge,” says Jen Sonstelie, spokesperson for geocaching.com. “The geocache could be just a plastic container hidden in a pile of sticks. But on a higher grade of difficulty, it could be disguised as a single pinecone hidden in a field with hundreds of other pinecones.”
If you have an iPhone, you can download the Geocaching.com app ($9.99) that lets you search, navigate, and comment on caches you’ve successfully found. Before you start hiking, however, check the recent logs to ensure the cache is still there. “The entries should have a smile icon next to them,” Sonstelie says. “If the last five logs were unsuccessful, it’s possible the cache went missing.”
Day 16
Build An Igloo
Snow forts are for amateurs. If you’re looking for real winter fun, build an igloo instead. The rounded snow huts have been around for centuries, and children of all ages will enjoy constructing—and eventually deconstructing—the giant cold weather abodes.
If you want to make a true igloo, you’ll need access to plenty of dry, hard-packed snow. The diameter shouldn’t exceed 10 feet—anything larger is highly likely to collapse. Create the entrance by digging about 18 inches into the ground, then build the dome on top in a spiral shape.
For an easy alternative, try the Eskimold (eskimold.com)—a series of plastic tubs that form interlocking igloo pieces. You can use wetter snow to fill the mold. Just don’t overdo it on the square footage. “You’ll want the interior to measure about six feet in diameter,” says Eskimold designer Howard Graham. “If you go any bigger, the igloo may wind up being too much work and your kids could get discouraged.”
Day 17
Leave a Family Legacy
When you leave this world, so does part of your history. Make sure your children know their roots by documenting your genealogy, and have your wife do the same. Try the program Family Tree Maker, and get access to Internet ancestry databases at ancestry.com. Set aside time to tell stories of your adventures, too, whether it be winning the MVP award in high-school baseball or motorcycling the Pan-American Highway after college. You’ll live on in their memories, not just as Dad, but as a legend, too—the kind of man they admire.
Day 18
Prep for Family Time
Start cultivating your end-of-day energy as soon as you arrive in the morning by taking 10-minute breaks after every 90 to 120 minutes of work. Do whatever you need to do to disengage from prolonged heavy concentrated attention: Eat some fruit, go for a walk, meditate. Long term, you should review your work situation. Mental stamina is optimized by effective time management, daily challenges, and a clear sense of direction. Are these present? They're necessary for your overall well-being.
Day 19
Say No to Drugs
Give them the straight dope: "Here's what you're going to encounter. Not might. You will encounter this. I want you to be aware of what these drugs look like and what they do so you're ready." Be as specific as possible, as often as possible. (If you don't know everything about roofies, Ecstasy, or crank, Google them.) That's how drugs go from mystical to matter-of-fact. "I talk about drugs in passing with my kids all the time," says Runkel. "I ask, 'Do you know what a joint is? You want to know what it does to you?' Bring it up again and again until it's, 'Yes, we know, Dad. Shut up already!'" Of course, they might decide to sample something anyway, but at least they'll know the facts when it comes time to make a very important choice.
Day 20
Help Your Kid Stay Motivated
Focus on the good. Praise can be a powerful motivator, especially when it's specific (e. g., say "Your description of life in covered wagons is vivid" rather than "Nice job"). Also, praise what matters: effort and persistence (e. g., "I'm proud of the way you've stuck with this math assignment; I know it's challenging"). Encourage realistic goals. Your daughter might have her sights set on a spelling-bee championship, but make sure she understands that you're pleased more by her hard work than a medal. By encouraging kids' sense of accomplishment, you'll also help them build self-confidence.
Foster a culture of learning. Make a habit of discussing what your kids are learning at school at the dinner table. Spend less time watching television and more time reading together. Most important, share your own enthusiasm about what you learn each day. In the end, your actions speak much louder than what you say...or pay.
Advice courtesy of Deborah Stipek, Ph.D., dean of the School of Education at Stanford University and author of Motivated Minds: Raising Children to Love Learning.
Day 21
Give Your Kids a Green Thumb
Planting a tree isn't just about saving the planet, it can also save you money: The American Public Power Association has found that planting trees to shade a home can reduce air-conditioning costs by up to 50 percent. Find out which tree will thrive best in your climate at arborday.org, and then plant one using this three-step guide, provided by John Englert of the USDA National Resources Conservation Service.
1. Dig a hole that's at least two times the diameter of the container your tree is in, and one inch less deep. Most roots grow out, not down, and this will allow the roots to breathe.
2. Remove the tree from the container and place it in the hole. Begin filling the hole with the soil you dug out, adding peat moss or composted leaves if the soil is sandy. This will aerate the soil and help the roots retain water and nutrients.
3. Cover a three-foot diameter at the base of the tree with three to four inches of mulch. Soak the soil around the tree roots with water, and repeat every two weeks throughout the first growing season (or as needed, depending on rainfall).
Day 22
Expand Your Kid’s Palate
Employ the same strategy you'd use to teach him a new idea: repetition. Kids need about 10 encounters with a new food before they develop a taste for it. So bolster yourself with patience and persistence, and follow these steps to help your child grow his culinary repertoire.
Start out small. The key to convincing children to try unfamiliar foods is to introduce them slowly.
Make eating fun. The best teachers imbue their lessons with entertainment value. Follow their lead. If you're trying to, say, add broccoli to your child's plate, suggest that they look like little trees, and then make a scene of biting off their tops.
Be a good example. If you eat veggies, so will your kid. A study at the Children's Nutrition Research Center, in Houston, found that children ate vegetables 35 percent more frequently when they were readily accessible and available at home.
Offer fruit. It contains many of the same nutrients found in vegetables, such as vitamins A and C, potassium, and folate.
Advice courtesy of Marilyn Swanson, Ph.D., professor of pediatrics at Baylor College of Medicine.
Day 23
Teach Investing Skills
By the time kids enter middle school, they have a good handle on how to earn and save money, and many even have their own bank accounts. They’re also ready to move on to the slightly more advanced concept of making it grow through smart investing. Here are a few ways to pique their interest—and pad their money-market accounts:
Make them partners. Help them buy a few shares of their favorite company—Nike, Nintendo, Pepsi, and so on—and then follow the stock with them online. This will give them an understanding of how the market works and the factors that influence the rise and fall of stocks.
Play a game. A handful of board and computer games teach similar lessons. Two of the best are Mr. Bigshot ($30, mrbigshot.com), a stock-picking game in which players choose between two companies and follow their investments, and Mutual Mania ($30, mutualmania.com), a board game similar to Monopoly, but players assemble portfolios and land on spaces that require them to respond to market-changing events.
Go online. Sites like teenanalyst.com offer primers on topics such as how to screen mutual funds and using P/E ratios to evaluate the price of individual stocks.
Advice courtesy of Janet Bodnar, deputy editor of Kiplinger’s Personal Finance and author of Money-Smart Kids: And Parents, Too!
Day 24
Deal With a Bully
It doesn’t always mean turning the other cheek. "Get him martial-arts lessons," says Larry Koenig, Ph.D., author of Smart Discipline: Fast, Lasting Solutions for Your Child's Self-Esteem and Your Peace of Mind.
The true power behind martial arts like karate and kung fu comes not from a roundhouse kick to the solar plexus (however handy) but rather from their philosophies of non-aggression. "They teach respect," says Koenig. "Research shows that, in so doing, martial arts improve a child's self-esteem and the way he carries himself—two weaknesses a bully homes in on when selecting a target." In fact, a Florida Atlantic University study of 189 children ages 7 to 13 found that those with high self-confidence were less likely to be picked on than their less-confident peers.
If your child does get picked on, address the issue with him immediately, even if it's just teasing. "Parents often tell their kids that it's no big deal, that it's just kids being kids," says Koenig. "Nothing can be further from the truth. Words can be far more difficult to get over than a black eye." Researchers at the Oregon Research Institute agree. In a study of 223 kids, they found that verbally-harassed middle schoolers were three times more likely to abuse alcohol in high school. Here's the best way to deal with teasing: Tell your child to just agree with it. If, for example, a bully calls your kid a sissy, tell him to respond, "Yeah, I am." Next to self-confidence, agreeableness is the most powerful antibully tool. "If you're not pushing back, they have nothing to fight against," says Koenig.
Day 25
Teach Them to Dive
First off, don't push—literally or figuratively. "When you push a little child, she's going to try to land on her feet instead of her head. It's better to work with her," says Dartmouth College diving coach Chris Hamilton, who is a parent of three young children. In the beginning, he suggests, minimize the distance between your child and the water's surface by having her kneel, hands grasped tightly overhead, chin tucked to her chest. Let her gently fall into the water. When it's time to tackle the diving board, get on the board behind her, grab her by the waist, then "lift her up off the diving board and drop her in headfirst," says Hamilton.
Day 26
Get Them to Eat Veggies
First, it's important to understand that kids don't like to eat new things for a reason: They taste things more strongly than you do. It is evolution's way of keeping them away from poisons, which are often bitter. It's natural that things like Brussels sprouts will turn them off, though studies show that kids will tolerate foods their mothers ate while pregnant.
Introduce new vegetables early as purees and later as cut-up, cooked-down portions, which are more palatable. Play the "vegetable game" with your kids at the supermarket by letting them pick a new vegetable each trip. This way they'll be interested in trying new things. And don't forget a heavy dose of patience—most kids outgrow picky eating by age 5.
For little kids, here are two of our favorite methods:
Pop the Magician. Standing with the kid in question behind you, show the rest of the family a bite-size cauliflower floret, or whatever, and announce that you are the Great Daddini. Now, put it behind your back so the kid can make it disappear in his mouth. Presto! Present your empty hands to all.
Pop-Star-Worship Vegetable Frenzy. "Okay, everyone who likes SpongeBob SquarePants, The Wiggles, Ozzy Osbourne . . . eat a piece of broccoli!"
Day 27
Plan a Family Dinner
Enough with drive-thru kids' meals. According to a study in the Journal of Nutrition Education and Behavior, kids whose fathers value family dinners at home are less likely to eat fast food.
Fathers, moreso than mothers, have been told for years to have fun with children at meals (think pizza run after practice), says Alex McIntosh, Ph.D., lead author of the study. Instead, cook a meal as a family—visit MensHealth.com/shortordercook for ideas—and set a fixed time for dinner every night. Then stick to it.
Day 28
Start a 529 Savings Account
It’s still a smart investment. "A 529 account is like a Roth IRA, but for college savings instead of retirement," explains Gary Schatsky, the chairman emeritus of the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors. "It offers two tax advantages: no taxes on your profits, and additional state incentives such as a tax deduction or credit for putting money into the account." But state plans vary widely, so Schatsky recommends Utah's—which offers low fees and good fund selection—for those whose state doesn't offer any unique tax incentives (you don't have to stick with the plan offered by the state in which you reside). As for how you invest—the ratio of stocks to bonds—that will depend on the age of your child and your comfort level with risk.
Day 29
Make Your Kids Better Teammates
Specifically, help them to respect failure and recover from it, a major life skill. Teach them about the power of mental imagery in sports—how to imagine sinking a game-winning free throw and repeat the motion in their heads over and over. The same technique can help them develop resilience so he can react to setbacks without getting angry. Next time they experience a bad play, ask what their internal voice says. Is it “I stink” or “The refs suck”? Tell them to take a deep breath, hold on to that negative feeling, and then—this is key—focus on a piece of equipment. That’ll be the signal to channel anger into something positive. Once they look at this “trigger” equipment, they should picture a positive outcome.
Day 30
Instill Empathy
Ask them about the hardest part of their day. "Say, 'Man, it must be hard being an 8-year-old. What's the hardest part?'" says Runkel. Then ask about people they know who are having a hard time: "What do you think it's like for your friend whose mom has cancer? What's the hardest part about that?" "This line of questioning will help them develop a sense of 'I'm in their shoes,'" Runkel says. "These questions don't always get answered—sometimes it's 'I don't know'—but this doesn't mean they aren't thinking about it. That's why you should never stop asking."
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