Apply if you dare

Today's Business Lessons 

 
                                                                             

Apply if you dare

BUSINESS MATTERS (BEYOND THE BOTTOM LINE) 

By Francis J. Kong  

(The Philippine Star) | Updated February 22, 2014

My youngest daughter Rachel goes up the stage today and gets her college diploma. I know the “diploma” is just a piece of paper handed her for ceremonial purposes, and she will have to wait until her school office releases the official one. But how come there is this strange feeling within me that another major chapter change in my life has come?

I enjoy the company of my kids. They are the closest friends of me and my wife. Parenting is no walk in the park. Had it been a job opportunity I doubt anyone would dare apply. This material from an anonymous parent says everything:



Job description


Long-term team players needed for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which include evenings, weekends, and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight traveling required, including camping trips to primitive sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.


Responsibilities:


• Must provide on-the-site training in basic life skills such as nose blowing

• Must have strong skills in negotiating conflict resolution and crisis management

• Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus

• Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you will most likely need it for a school project

• Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, “He got more than I did!” for the rest of your life.

• Also must be able to drive a motor vehicle safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above-mentioned skills in conflict resolutions

• Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns

• Must be able to withstand criticism such as, “You don’t know anything.”

• Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat, in case this time the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf

• Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers

• Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple homework projects

• Must have the ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlook

• Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next

• Must handle assembly and production safety testing of half-a-million cheap plastic toys and battery operated devices

• Also must have a highly energetic, entrepreneurial spirit, because fund-raising will be your middle name

• Must have a diverse knowledge so as to answer questions such as, “What makes the wind move?”

• Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst

• Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product

• Responsibilities also include floor, maintenance, and janitorial work throughout the facility

Possibility for advancement and promotions:

Virtually none!

Your job is to remain in the same position for years without complaining, while constantly retaining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

Previous experience:

None required, unfortunately

On-the-job training offered at a continual, exhausting basis

 

Wages and compensation:

You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could do more.

Benefits:

While no health and dental benefits, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options are offered, limitless job supplies, opportunities for personal growth, and free hugs are for life if you play your cards right.

These are required from parents and boy I’m telling you, they’re all true.

Now that you know, don’t you think it would be a good idea to call up your folks, or better yet, pay them a visit and tell them how much you appreciate them?

“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” What a great reminder from the Scriptures.